The rantings of many.

I'm feeling more vulnerable with each passing day. Less sure of myself and less in control. More scared of the world around me and the people that inhabit it.

Except for one person. That one person who leaned on me and allowed me control of her life and existence... now I'm entrusting her with the same, as I give her the control.

She who is mine... I am now hers. Where once I was content to be in control, now I feel more content in being controlled - but only by one.

Only by Claire.

Been back home for about a day. Babysat yesterday for a couple of my coworkers. Mostly uneventful. Got work tonight. Then, tomorrow morning, I babysit again, then work that night. I'm a bit sore from the bus ride, still, but I need the money. Name changes, passports, Mac Minis and plane tickets don't buy themselves.

Now, of course, this means there's less time for other things in my life. I'm sorry for that. I really am. Thing is.... quite frankly, I need the work. I need to get a move on with things that need doing. I can't stay in the position I'm in forever... couch-hopping and relying on the kindness of others to have a roof over my head. I've found a bit of stability and I'm going to use it.

It's just that simple.

Point accusing fingers all you like
The blame is all on you
Shift the focus, scrutiny
You know it's all on you.

You knew what you were in for
Dealing with a fickle structure
Our stability, a hypothetical
No two days are we the same
We come, we go, we shift around
Never can we be the same
And yet you chose to get involved
You knew that this was coming!

Point accusing fingers all you like
The blame is all on you
Shift the focus, scrutiny
You know it's all on you. (x2)

You fell for only one of us
But my feelings count the same
Just because you're the one for her
Doesn't mean you're what I need
See, for one of us, her ideal mate
Nurtures her like a mother
That type's just fine for her, you see
But I need something other!

Point accusing fingers all you like
The blame is all on you
Shift the focus, scrutiny
You know it's all on you. (x2)

There has been a pronounced change in the system over the past couple of days.

Nina is no more. She split, then parts of her merged with Melissa, and other parts merged with Ty.

The darker aspects merged with Melissa. This has arrested the age-sliding, leaving her at about a mental age of 15. She has not been active since that time, so there's no way of knowing how she has been affected. I'm worried, though.

The child aspects merged with Ty, leaving hir an age-slider like Melissa was, although not sliding as low as she used to. S/he is trying to cope with it at the current time. Claire (Ty's submissive) is being a big help with hir, at the least.

For the time being, Celeste, Rini and myself are taking turns as main front, so that Ty and Melissa can both feel themselves out in their new states, without adversely affecting the outside.

...Bekah... I wasn't trying to ignore you. I wasn't. I've been so busy lately...

I guess it doesn't matter, though. I was only acheving faster to try to reach you... but I doubt you want me now, so there's no longer a need to try to keep from sinking any further.

I'm breaking.

I'm craving human contact way too much these days, and it's leading to unhealthy desires... at this point, I don't care if it's meaningful non-sexual intimate physical contact, meaningless sex, or even being brutalized in the worst way... I just need something...

...which I had at some point. It was about 6 months ago that I fucked up the best thing I ever had.

You heard me. I fucked it all up. I was horrible to her, and even though we were incompatible, I still should have tried harder. I shouldn't have been so harsh, so violent and out-of-control... no matter which one of us (within my own system) did it, it's still on me. I should have at least tried to act more-grown-up... you deserved (and still do deserve) a partner, at this stage of the game... not a child, as you told me so long ago when I began to regress.

I'm solely responsible for losing the best thing that happened to me. I deserve every iota of the guilt I feel. I still feel a pain in my soul... like there's a penance yet to pay, and I'll never be able to pay it.

alexandraal... I'm sorry for hurting you, and I'm sorry I was so horrible to you.

Hopefully, one day soon, I will have finally paid enough for the pain and damage I caused to you...