crystalline ([info]crystalhellion) wrote,
@ 2007-06-20 02:10:00
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Current mood: introspective
Current music:Assemblage 23: "Binary" (Nerve Filter Dub)

I can't wake up yet. My heart is missing. I can't feel. I can't act. I can't respond. I'm completely numb, as I have been for the past few days.

I haven't lost my memory but I don't know who I am. I don't know what kind of person I am. I can't remember any of the good things, I only seem to remember the bad things, the things that torment and taunt me in nightmares.

There are fleeting memories of a gentle soul, a child ignored and twisted beyond recognition from a gentle being to an evil one. What happened to her? Is she still in there? Can I be her again, or is she lost forever to time and torture? Will she be welcomed by the world that abandoned her once already, or will she be rejected again? Can she face it? Can I face it if I were to become her again?

Can I stand up and face it?

I'm not sure yet. I'm not sure I'm worthy. I've broken so many promises made to myself over the years. I've failed myself.

If I were gone, would Claire be the only one that missed me?

Can a gentle soul co-exist with a solitary instinct and an almost cutthroat need to survive?

I don't have an answer, and until I do, I won't know who I am.


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[info]sharpsight
2007-06-30 11:31 pm UTC (link)
N) Did you reach a conclusion?

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[info]shuphablath
2009-07-25 11:15 pm UTC (link)
A cutthroat need to survive is unfortunately how every organism on the planet has survived. Its not right. Its messed up. Tragic in fact.

The way the world works it rewards the ruthless, and reveres them. But some of us have a conscience. If you have a trace of a conscience which you seem to living ruthlessly will haunt you subconsciously every hour, and every night you sleep. If you decide to completely follow your conscience on the other hand you risk sacrificing individual happiness, and possibly even safety.

I am messed up much in the same way. Both extremes seem to pay too high of a price. And yet at the same time it sometimes doesn't feel right being locked in the middle. I as well feel like being indoctrinated into a world that idolizes violence bullying, and brutality has messed me up where as I could've been a much nicer less conflicted pure person had it not been for that.

If you were gone would anyone other than Claire miss you? I would as a kindred spirit. I am sure some who either have not read this or responded to this would as well. I also have the dual traits of autism and gender dysphoria as well as being an atheist which you seem to be. People like you are out there we are just very very rare. Just letting you know there are people similar to you even in this world dominated by the "normal" people who seem so alien. Its a nightmare feeling like you've been psychologically mutilated, then forced to live in a place that controls you yet you have no control over. I care about those I can truly relate to, and theres probably some other people in the world in the same situation who would as well. Of course they are probably hiding from a world of people that can't accept them.

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